Divorce ministries helpful, healing for attendees

Groups working to overcome stigma, create meaningful dialogue about moving on

Published: March 27, 2013

By Aprille Hanson
Little Rock Correspondent

Aprille Hanson

Debra Massey, 36, opens the St. Joseph Church in Conway divorce support group session Feb. 27. The group will reconvene in the fall after being can-celled because of low participation.

Aprille Hanson

Debra Massey, 36, opens the St. Joseph Church in Conway divorce support group session Feb. 27. The group will reconvene in the fall after being can-celled because of low participation.

With divorce, a relationship that was assumed to last forever dies, bringing with it a unique type of grief, said 53-year-old Conway resident John Harvey.

“Basically the way I put it, divorce is like having a death, although the corpse is still walking around,” said Harvey, whose divorce from his wife of 27 years was finalized in December 2011. “It might seem morbid, but with death there’s a certain finality to it … As far as divorce, you’re still in contact with them, they’re still around, you still see them; but you don’t think of them the same way that you did, as far as someone you were intimate with and trusted. Basically having that trust betrayed or given away, it’s tough to look at them the same.”

Debra Massey, 36, also of Conway, who got divorced in 2004, said she believes the Church is now recognizing the “high percentage” of divorces in society today.

“I think the Church is realizing they have to reach out to those that are hurting,” Massey said.

Massey, who is now remarried, said divorce support groups provide a light at the end of the dark tunnel of divorce.

“It gives people hope that there is life after divorce,” Massey said. “It’s like a death, but you can overcome it.”

Harvey, Massey and other Catholics are finding solace in divorce support programs in their local churches, something that has been lacking in years past.

“With an annulment, they can judge your marriage as flawed, but they don’t really have anything to help you to get beyond that,” Harvey said. “There’s not really a stigma with divorce, it’s real common, but it’s still kind of an awkward situation and the Catholic Church has a hard time with it … it’s kind of an unmet need.”

Harvey, a member of St. Joseph Church in Conway, said he completed the Divorce Care program at Antioch Baptist Church, which was open to all faiths. He recently joined the Divorce and Beyond support group under the Beacon of Hope ministries at St. Joseph, but lack of membership caused the group to cancel its 8-10 week program and reconvene in the fall.

Kathy Kordsmeier, director of Beacon of Hope ministries, said the leaders discussed various ways to improve the group, including asking “participants from past groups to share their experience with potential new members to remove the stigma associated with divorce and improve their comfort level.”

Kordsmeier said one of the ways she hopes to gain membership is changing to an open-group format; possibly modeling the program after one at St. Vincent de Paul Church in Rogers.

After years of hosting Beginning Experience weekend retreats, Mary Ochs of Rogers, 61, leads the church’s new 10-week workshop called Rebuilding. The program, open to all faiths and facilitated by Beginning Experience, started Jan. 10 to help those who are divorced, separated or widowed.

“This has been very interesting, the participants seem to get be getting a lot out of it,” said Ochs, who was widowed in 2008. “The whole goal is that you’re happy with yourself as a single person, that you don’t need anybody else to fulfill yourself. That way, you can be open to remarriage, because you’re choosing to share who you are with someone, not looking for someone to fulfill your needs.”

Ochs said the program is designed to be educational and sharing isn’t required.

However, Kathy Schmelzer, 64, who attends Christ the King Church in Fort Smith, said the friendly environment has made her and others willing to share their stories.

“I think you have the opportunity to forge stronger friendships,” said Schmelzer, who has been a team leader at past retreat weekends. “It has a lot to offer on the challenge of building a new life. Life is over as you know it.”

Schmelzer said while she’s experienced a natural separation from a lot of her former married/couple friends, the program has made her feel at peace as a single woman.

For more information on divorce/grief support activities at St. Vincent de Paul, contact Mary Ochs at (479) 986-9663.

Those interested in learning more about the fall divorce support program at St. Joseph can call or text Kathy Kordsmeier at (501) 269-1998.