Mothers speak: adoption ups and downs

Published: November 2, 2017

By Aprille Hanson
Associate Editor

Speaking of adoption – thoughtfully

There are many misconceptions regarding adoption, which can lead to unintentional judgments or hurtful words toward an adoptive or birth family. Here are some common negative phrases regarding adoption turned positive, according the Ohio Child Welfare Training Program:

• Negative: Real or natural parent
Positive: Birthparent, biological parent

• Negative: Adopted child (when speaking about an adult)
Positive: Adopted person, adoptee or adult adoptee

• Negative: Their own child, their real child
Positive: Birth child

• Negative: Illegitimate child, unwanted child
Positive: Born outside of marriage, born to a single person

• Negative: Adopted out, put up for adoption, given away or given up
Positive: An adoption plan was made; the baby joined the family; an older child moved in with his or her family; an adoption was arranged for; or he or she was placed

According to a column on Parents.com by Wesley C. Davidson, here are questions NOT to ask an adoptive family:

• "Who are his 'real' parents?"

• "Aren't you wonderful to adopt this child?"

• "How could his 'real' mother give away an adorable baby?"

• "Do you know anything about his background?"

• "What will you do if he searches for his 'real' mother?"

• "Your kids look so different? Which one is yours?"

• "It's just like having one of your own, isn't it?"

• "Why was she given up for adoption?"

• "How much did you pay for your baby?"

• "Now that you've adopted, you'll probably get pregnant, don't you think?"

Davidson further explained that before asking a question, non-adoptive families should understand:

• Adoption is permanent.

• Adoption is a legal change, involving the court.

• Adoption is another good way to create a family.

• Some aspects of adoption are private.

• Most adopted children grow up to be just fine.

There are many misconceptions surrounding adoption. Here, two women speak out about the lessons they learned.

Adoptive mother

Mary and her husband live in Central Arkansas. They adopted a daughter through Catholic Adoption Services and are waiting to adopt again. Her name has been changed to protect the family’s privacy.

What is the worst comment you’ve heard as an adoptive mother?

I think the one that bothered me the most was after we adopted our daughter is “Well, now you’re going to get pregnant and have a child of our own.” We’d say, “Well, we have a child of our own, our daughter.”

What do you wish people would understand about adoptive parents?

People sometimes will ask us about our daughter’s real parents. Parenting is not just biology. Parenting is the love, the compassion, time and resources it takes to raise a child. Being a real parent is about the sleepless nights, the skinned knees, the doctor’s visits and the first day of school. So when you ask about our daughter’s real parents, please don’t be surprised when we say you’re looking at them.

Best advice for people looking to adopt?

Adopting a child can be an emotional roller coaster. My advice is to hold on tight, keep your eye on the prize, follow the lead of your adoption specialist and trust the process. All children are gifts from God and I truly believe that you receive the child you’re supposed to receive.

Birth mother

Sara, who preferred to use her first name only, lives in Central Arkansas and made an adoption plan for her child after he was born in January 2016.

What is the worst comment you’ve heard as a birth mother?

“How could you give up your own child?” I wasn’t shocked because that’s everybody’s first question. I was eager to explain to them it’s not necessarily “giving up,” it’s giving a better life for the child and also for myself. I wasn’t ready to raise a kid; of course, people don’t know the whole story.

What do you wish people would understand about birth mothers?

That they’re doing what they do out of love and not because they’re irresponsible or that they don’t care, because we do care, that’s why we’re doing what we’re doing. They are still a big part of the child’s life (in an open adoption) and with the adoptive parents.

Best advice for a birth mother intending to place her child for adoption?

It’s OK to do adoption and it’s not making you a bad person in doing that and you are not alone. I wish I would have known that I wasn’t alone. It is a brave thing to do. Just don’t be scared to tell somebody about the situation and ask for help because there are people out there that will help. They (should) have support because it’s hard if you don’t have support.