Family finds a way through grief to a legacy of hope

Scholarships, personal mementos both serve to keep memory alive

Published: October 29, 2014

By Marilyn Lanford
Little Rock Correspondent

Deena Burnett Bailey (left), a member of Christ the King Church in Little Rock, raised her three daughters in Little Rock after moving from California in 2002. Anna Clare (second from left) attends Mount St. Mary Academy while twins Halley and Madison left for college for the first time this fall.

Alive in Memory: How to preserve memories of loved ones

Greg Adams, director of the Center for Mourning at Arkansas Children Hospital in Little Rock, offers this advice.

• One of the most powerful and effective ways of keeping someone’s memory alive is talking about them and referencing the person in daily life and conversation. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion or an especially emotional time. We can remember and talk about the person anytime.

• Memories bring both pain and comfort. In the beginning after a loss, pain often takes center stage and it can be hard to feel comforted by memories. The pain may not ever fade away, but it can move “backstage” and allow for more experiences of comfort and gratitude.

• Sometimes it is good to be very intentional about memorializing, and it can be helpful to repeat memorial activities on a regular basis. A caution is not to make a memorial activity too rigid where there is no allowance for change and adjustment as time passes and life changes.

• Most people find comfort in remembering someone by having a “memory object” — a belonging of the person who died that is now kept by someone who cared for that person. Memory objects have value far beyond their material and can be a great source of stories, memories, connection and comfort.

The family of Tom Burnett has not let his death on 9/11 be forgotten. By preserving memories or starting a foundation, many people are still touched by the life of the California businessman from Minnesota.

Giving back

The Burnett family was inspired by what Tom told his wife while he was on Flight 93 and knew it was being hijacked.

“We have to do something,” he said. “I am putting a plan together. We are waiting until we get over a rural area. We are going to take back the plane.”

On the first anniversary of 9/11, his wife Deena, his parents and sisters and close family friends established the Tom Burnett Family Foundation. Today, a large part of the foundation’s mission revolves around two programs: scholarships and a middle-school social studies program.

“In the beginning, Tom’s parents set up a scholarship at Jefferson High School in Bloomington, Minn., his alma mater, to help students majoring in business and planning to attend either the University of Minnesota or St. John’s University in Collegeville, Minn.,” said his wife Deena Burnett Bailey, a native of Dermott.

The program has now grown to include Pepperdine University in Malibu, Calif., where he received his master’s degree in business and the University of Central Arkansas in Conway. Each scholarship is based on the criteria of that particular college with input from the foundation. Each school decides who will receive the scholarship.

The University of Minnesota scholarship was funded by Burnett’s business fraternity and the Pepperdine scholarship, funded by alumni of the college, Bailey said,

“These two are extremely large. There are differing amounts and the majority of them were set up by the foundation, anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000 gifts. The interest that these gifts draw provides the scholarships so they are sustainable. These are wonderful legacies for Tom’s memory because education was so important to him.”

As part of the foundation’s fundraising efforts, golf tournaments have been held in California, Minnesota and Arkansas in the past.

“Tom was an avid golfer. and these tournaments were just a fun thing to do; many of Tom’s friends could get involved and share their memories of him. It provided great seed money to start the scholarships and to sponsor the social studies program for the middle schools,” Bailey said.

Extending the reach

Two years after the foundation was established, Tom Burnett’s niece, Kathleen West, an English teacher, along with a history teacher created a social studies program for middle schools.

Bailey said, “We started talking to her about it and felt it would probably be a good fit for the foundation. The feedback on the program, Citizenship Education (citizenshipeducation.org) has been terrific. We had schools from New York to Oregon to California to Florida interested in the program in 2004 when we initially started it.”

In addition to middle schools, elementary and high schools expressed an interest, along with various local groups like the Girl Scouts.

“It was exciting to see the response to the program and the many uses that people found for it,” Bailey said. “And we felt like, instead of touching 119 lives each year in scholarships, we were touching thousands and it was free. All you have to do is download it off the website.”

Memories

When the Tom Burnett Family Foundation was established in 2002, Deena Burnett Bailey was a young mother with three small daughters: 6-year-old twins Halley and Madison, and 4-year-old Anna Clare. As the mother of high school and college students, Bailey decided three years ago to step back from her role on the foundation’s board.

Today her life revolves, for the most part, around family activities that includes a new marriage to Rodney Bailey. The twins enrolled as freshmen in college this fall, Halley at her father’s alma mater, Pepperdine University, and Madison at Texas Christian University. Anna Clare is a sophomore at Mount St. Mary Academy in Little Rock.

In addition to her marriage in 2006, Bailey welcomed a stepson, Tanner, 24, into her new family.

“Anytime you have a blended family, there are challenges; however, the nice thing is that the girls now have an older brother. They just love each other. And although Rodney is not their dad, they have the greatest respect for him,” Bailey said.

But sometimes it is the little things that catch Bailey off guard and remind her of her earlier life as she is moving forward.

Bailey said, “Three years ago we attended a wedding where Halley and Madison were bridesmaids in the wedding. During the reception, they announced a father-daughter dance and all of my girls started to cry.”

Sometimes it is not noticeable and other times it is very noticeable.

“I’ve raised them to be tough, but even when you are tough, there are still things that will pierce the exterior. Little things like the girls’ graduation, the major milestones — when they turned 15 and got their licenses — those are events that you want to be able to share,” she said.

The little things

“When Tom died, I kept everything he had. I boxed up all of his clothes carefully. I thought that at some point the kids might be interested in seeing and touching what he wore. And I was right. When they were 14 or 15, they became very curious. All of his work shirts were blue and white with the same initials on them. When they saw his suits, the girls said, ‘Gosh, Mom, did he ever wear anything but navy blue, black or gray?’ I told them, ‘No, he didn’t. I’ve been trying to tell you this for years’. We could still find the humor in this little memory. Little things like that really help because it is so tangible.

“Turns out the girls had a great time dragging out Tom’s sweatshirts from Pepperdine and the University of Minnesota and wearing them. Who would have thought when Anna Clare was 3 years old that saving his old sweatshirt would eventually become important to her?” Bailey said.

“Tom traveled all over the world and he would return with money from different countries on these trips. We never cashed it back in because he would usually use it on a return trip. When Madison and Halley went to Europe on a Mount St. Mary’s trip two years ago, I got all of that money out and showed them what it looked like. We were able to see all of the different countries he traveled to and then see if the girls were going to those same countries on their trip.”

Pepperdine officials created an outdoor area on campus in 2003 named the Heroes Garden as a permanent tribute to 9/11 heroes, including Burnett. There, on a hillside overlooking the campus, a full-size flag is displayed for every person killed on 9/11 as part of a memorial service.

Bailey said, “It is beautiful to see 3,000 flags flying there. It is magnificent. This year, as a freshman, Halley was invited to lead those in attendance in prayer and to say something about her dad.”

Do what works

Bailey sums up her story this way. “I don’t know if what I was doing was right or wrong, but it works for us. You just have to feel your way through all of it. We laugh a lot and we cry sometimes. But we always end on a positive note and laughter. I have great kids and wonderful memories,” she said.