I felt like God was distant — my sisters led me to him

“I see Christ in her so often,” Vacca writes of sisters

By Isabel Vacca

I have grown up around strong women — my mother, my grandmothers, my aunts and my friends. And I can honestly say that I have been blessed by these women in my life. 

They have shaped me into who I am today, and they are the models of who I want to be. Each of them is unique and possesses a love and a drive that I pray to have. 

Their relationships with the Lord are inspiring, and my eyes have been opened to the wonder and awe of our amazing maker because of them. Yet, there are two women who have specifically influenced me more than I think any others have before — my sisters. 

I am the middle sister of a set of three girls. My eldest sister, Sophia, and I are only 18 months apart, while my youngest sister, Francesca, is four years younger than me. 

We have gone through every bit of our lives together. From fights to breakups to prepping for graduation, we have been with each other. Through all the lessons I have learned and the trials that have come my way, they have been by my side. Even in the loneliest of times, they have been there, and honestly, these past couple of years have been some of the loneliest. 

Since starting my sophomore year of high school, more often than not, I have been in a season of desolation. My desolation, when it comes, is a numbness to God. No matter how often I pray, attend Mass, receive the Eucharist or read the Gospels, I feel like I am shut off from the Lord. 

Of course, I know this is not the case, but after months of this spiritual drought and lack of answers, I found myself thinking it was true — and I was so hurt by that. 

The one who is supposed to love me the most felt so distant. My Father seemed nowhere to be found. Was I doing something wrong? Did I somehow deserve this lack of presence? These thoughts caused me to shut down and eventually stop looking for him. 

But when I did this, my life only seemed to spiral more. My school work would pile up, life would get crazy, I would stretch myself too thin, and with time, my hope and faith life would slip away. Yet, even then, when I’d lost all hope, the people that would pull me out were my sisters. 

Their love is big and genuine, and I couldn’t ask for more. Countless times they have lifted my spirits without knowing and have led me closer to the Father in the simplest of ways. 

It was the late-night talks with Sophia that knocked down the wall between the Lord and me. Her words and jokes were filled with the Spirit, and she would draw me back to the Father. I see Christ in her so often — in her ability to talk to anyone about anything and be truly present. I see him in her fierce belief in what is right and good and in the way she loves without limits. 

It’s the aimless drives around town with Francesca that help me once again trust in God. In her words of advice, I would hear the Lord speak to me. I see Christ in her so often — in her ability to calm me down and let me know it would all be alright. In her gentleness and her kindness. I see him in her wisdom and love. 

The simplest talk or drive with them can bring me out of months of despair and hopelessness. I have never been able to see Christ in anyone as much as I have seen him in Sophia and Francesca. I have grown to know him better by spending time with them and by learning from them. These bonds that I share with them have only grown stronger with time and struggles, and yet through it all, I can say that I am truly blessed to be their sister. 

For anyone who has struggled with desolation, depression and anxiety, if you feel cut off from the Lord or can’t seem to find him in your life, I urge you to look to those you love. God is love. And you will always find him there. 

Isabel Vacca is a junior at Mena High School in Mena. St. Agnes Church in Mena is her home parish.

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